Friday, July 10, 2009

Nowhere to Hide

I have an hour-long commute each way to and from work every day, so I have a lot of time alone with my thoughts. (While I don’t like living so far away, I do enjoy the alone time—as I said, I’m quite the introvert.) These thoughts are generally a jumble of mental to-do lists, blog posts in progress, talking to myself, and freeform prayer.

Sometimes (more often than I’d like to admit) I’ll be talking to myself and/or to God, and then chastise myself for the thought I’ve expressed, realizing that it’s not a very healthy or holy thought to have. In moments like that, I find myself trying to backtrack or make excuses, thinking I can explain myself to God.

I’ve been realizing lately how futile and even ridiculous that is—that God knew my true feelings before I even put them into words, and that God hears every word of my attempt to “reframe” the judgmental or unloving thought.

While it is a more painful process to dwell in my wickedness a while, walking through and analyzing my thoughts and feelings brings hope of positive growth and improvement that denial cannot. I ask God: “Why do I feel that way?” “How can I work through this?” “How can I do better?” The answer is never clear—or not easy, at least—but I’m always trying.

The point, I suppose, is being more honest with myself.
I wasn’t fooling God anyway.

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